Was it worth it

Thinking tonight about what could have been; all the near miss loves.
I could have satisfied mother and been a wife years ago.
But my blinkered determination sees me here,
A single woman, looking at my life and wondering if it was worth it.

**** you were the first almost love. With your porn inspired wrong.
You who drove me away, first by boring me and later breaking me.
You who have left me with a taste for the violent. If only you knew
That you're fucked up actions would never leave me.

*** the next, loving me more than I thought fair.
Then proving a man's words are worth a thousand lies by
Your cheating. Teaching me how to get my own back
and my second reason to never trust a man.

**** who I thought would see me into motherhood.
The man who was able to show me that you aren't all the same.
Who saw me the worst of the The Dark Place, but couldn't
Understand it enough to survive. A fond farewell and a distant dream.

**** who found me through music and lust.
Making me see that I am more than I know I am.
And helping me learn that my priorites don't allow for man.
That only something very special could make it to number one.

***, back then, a big deal.  Now that I know you better,
I know better. With our mutual love for justice and theology,
We would never make each other better.
A near miss with a hint of regret.

**** like a puppy, keen and loving.
Reminding me that I can't deal with affection.
And then taking advantage in the worst possible way.
Forcing tears to fall that I never thought I'd have to see again.

**** walked into my life and swept me off my feet.
Never thought it was possible to be so convinced of a future.
But strangled me with overbearing and saw me fall.
Watched the clouds gather and ran scared from the truth.

The very fact that I can sum you all up in four lines,
Is worrying.  Especially in the knowledge that many of you
Were rejected by priorities of self and work,
Or frightened by my fucked up mind.

Now I look at myself, with a job that pays peanuts.
Left alone with my own broken mind.
Me, the wine and the music suspect
That I am an idiot.

That I should have given more.
Taken less.
Learned the reality of priorities,
And reigned in the demons.