Fantasy

Today is Tuesday (well, Wednesday 00:50).

I have an interview on Thursday (14:00 - 16:00).

And what am I doing?

The same thing I've been doing for a decade.

Listening to music, drinking, and wondering.

Wondering at the possibility.

The problem is, 

You make this all go away.

You, make me forget the truth. The reality.

Because, with the list, the talk of god/notgod,

Of shirts, booze, music, comedy....

I can't concentrate.

In my head, my hectic, confused, busy, excited, 

Ridiculous head.

You're all I can think about.

And today, it's enough.

But tomorrrow, it's not.

It's decisions, and the posssibility.

Possibilty of being wanted,

Being needed, for the first time.

Being involved in a something where I am eternal.

But I know, I know, it's fantasy.

These sparks never come to fire.

And I cling to to logic. 

That which stops me moving.

Forgiveness

You should beg forgiveness of me.
Here I am again,
At the face of a new door.
I've talked through the intercom.
I've joked and giggled my charm through the eyehole.

And now, I must decide.
Is it worth the fight?
It's you. It's your fault.
You're the reason I am damaged.
Broken, spoiled, fucked.

How do I move into normality.
How to rid myself of the scars,
The stains, the memories.
The words, the looks, the pain.
Who can handle it?

In the precious light of possible future,
How do I move into real.
When real is such a broken reality.
Real is hurt, it's abuse, it's wrong,
It's RUN. And hide. And never again.

Cold

I've been here before.
I've sat at a desk, with wine, and candles, and darkness,
And the time on the clock, - that silent time
That only the tormented see.
These words are the same, the search, the desire,
For something deep, twisted, real.
Something that expresses the hiccups of doubt,
These jolts inside me.

Behind the smile, the laugh, the fun, the music.
Here I am. With the pain, the past, the reality.
Those things that cling to my limbs, like
Desperate children.  Grasping to not be forgotten,
But still so clearly real.
In this moment, you are here.
Another you. Another smile in the shadow.
A shudder of possibility in the cold of neglect.

I am frozen. I can't move. I can't survive.
What can I say, that hasn't been said.
How can I react, to that shock of raised eyebrow.
To that smile and word that I've seen before,
Seen, responded, let the wall down, and lost.
Today, I want you.
I see you in my future.
I miss you in my past.

But, what can I say.
That makes this different.
These tears of frustration,
Weep a mess of possibility,
And make the feeling of love,
Into the reality of nothingness.
You are an illusion.
And I am cold again.

Thirteen Years

Thirteen years.

Since I first looked at man and

Wondered. About his stance, 

His body, his sounds, his smell.

Thirteen years.

Sine I touched, felt, tasted,

Smelled, frowned, understood,

Listened, read, and broke.

Thirteen years.

Since I opened myself,

Let him in. Let him do.

Changed myself.

Thirteen years.

Since I can (can I?) remember

Being me. Alone, happy, content.

The space inbetween, splintered.

Thirteen years.

And I can pinpoint you.

That moment, that look, those words.

And forever I am damaged.

Again (2012)

Here we are again.
A year passes.
The wine matures.
Skin matures.
Soul matures.
Ten years ago, it was the same.
Emotion, wine, hope, candle light.

We sit here,
With the music, that atmoshpere of
Future. That glimpse of a person
Who might take my present,
And make it his.
I try to not think. I try to allow
The wave of you, to sweep me to shore.

Are you ok?

Those words.
Meaningless.
I know you think they're not.
But the point is,
You have to mean them.
For me to feel better.
For me to answer.
For me to believe you care.
For me to find a grip.

Echo

Who allowed this?
Who let me grow into an adult,
And didn't burn a warning brand into
My skin,
To let them know,
Those future boys,
That I am fucked.
I'm lost.
I'm gone. Not
Here.

Planets shake,
Heavens break,
But my world remains.
Spinning in its infinite bubble of
Selfishness.
No one
Answers the
Endless
Echos
Of
"Hello?"